You're not alone
by Ki-KiGND
Summary: Things don't always work out the way people expect them to. Maureen's pov. OneShot. postRENT.


**Disclaimer: I don't own RENT. Just write stuff about it.**

_So I think this is actually my first not fluffy-ish type fic. So yay for that? It's sad. At least I think it is. And I wasn't really sure how to end it seeing as it's from Maureen's point of view. But I'm ok witht he ending. We'll see what you all think. _

**xXx**

I walked down the hill surrounded by graves and grabbed the hand of the man next to me. We exchanged a look and he sent me a faint smile that just told me everything would be alright. I didn't know how he could be so sure. I didn't know if he was even sure. Sure he had dealt with losing his true love once before. Er, twice before. But he wasn't alright.

What was "alright" anyway? It was really a mix two words. "All" and "Right" which could mean all was right. But all was not right. Not as far as I could see. If all was right everyone would be here. But everyone wasn't. There were just two. Me and Roger.

Who would have thought that we would be the last two living? Roger especially. He was a fighter. He had fought through everything. He had been through hell and back more then one time. I could never imagine being like that. He was the strong one now. The solid one. The one that would always listen. The one who understood. We all had wondered who would take over that job once Mark died.

It was a surprise. So sudden. I think I'm still too much in shock to realize it happened. Not Mark. He was supposed to always be there. But he was gone. That just never made since to me. He had always been there before. Where was he now? Dead. That's where he was. I shook my head and walked farther on down the row biting the inside of my cheek to stop from crying. If I started I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

I turned my head slightly as I felt Roger grip my hand slightly harder. I didn't even have to look to see why. Mimi. I had known both Mimi and April. I had been friends with both. And I had seen how happy Roger had been with both. He was like me. He needed someone. Without someone to love him he was lost. In fact I had known Roger pretty well even before April. He was relatively happy but something was missing. Someone to love him. After Mimi died he had been pretty much "ok" with everything. He wasn't depressed. He didn't lock himself up in the loft all day. He knew we needed him. He knew we loved him. I think that was what made it "ok" for him. I also think Mimi made him promise her that he wouldn't become so reclusive like before. She would have hated that. But I had never asked him if it was true.

God, "ok" there is another word I don't get. What does it stand for? It's just something else to say other then "alright." But I'm sure it had to stand for something. Was it just a shorter version of okay? Maybe it was. But it just rubbed me the wrong way lately. I really need to stop thinking so much into things. I'm sounding like Mark.

I let out a sigh as we passed yet another familiar gravestone. Collins. I always believed that Collins and I had the most in common. We related. It was horrible when we finally lost him. Well horrible for me. But I was probably just being selfish. It was something that I had trouble with. I'd have to work on that, sometime. But I'm pretty sure that Collins was ready to go. He'd never found anyone after Angel died. He probably didn't want to. Although out of everyone who had died it still seemed like Angel was around most of all. Maybe it was just because she had such a big impact on us all. If it weren't for Angel... I don't even want to know what would have happened.

I turned my head away from the next grave we passed. Benny. I guess we never really buried the hatchet after he tried to shut down my Space. But we always butted heads. Even before all of that. But we were still friends before. Before he married Muffy he even told me he enjoyed my protests. Perhaps I just felt like he betrayed me. I felt guilty I suppose for never making up with him. It's sad. He seemed to make nice with most of the other people in the group again. I forgave him but that was just the end of it. We never reached out to each other after that. Kind of sad. I guess I regret that. Benny wasn't really so bad I guess.

We stopped when we finally made it to our destination. It wasn't fair. Finally after how long I found someone who actually really loved me and who I loved back and now we're here. This was wrong. Things weren't supposed to end like this. Not Joanne. What did she ever do to deserve to die? I didn't want to be here. I wanted to just stay home today. But Roger said it would be easier. _What_ would be easier? Letting go? What if I didn't want to let go? I have half a mind to just climb in that coffin with her. That way I wouldn't have to deal with her being gone.

"Maureen..."

Did I say some of that out loud? Whoops. I looked at Roger who had tears in his eyes. I never really pictured him as being that close with Joanne. But maybe there was something that I didn't know. I could be so obtuse sometimes. He pulled me into a close hug. I finally felt the tears start to leave my eyes as I leaned against his chest.

"You have to deal with it Maureen." He said softly. "Things are going to suck for you until you deal with it. Trust me. Things might not be good for you for a while. But if you deal with what is happening they will be tolerable."

"Tolerable." I repeated slowly. That didn't sound very nice. Tolerable sounded pretty fucking bad to me. I didn't want to tolerate it. I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to accept it, acknowledge it, understand it, recognize it, or even admit it was happening. Joanne was the only person who I fit with. She was the only person to take all my crap. The only person who was able to give it back.

No, admitting it was happening would mean that I was alone. Alone was bad. Alone who knew what could happen. But if you were with someone else you could always lean on them. When you were alone you were isolated, inaccessible, and unaided. I don't think I could stand that. I need people. I was no one without other people.

I just want to go home. I feel like I'm suffocating here. Maybe if I go home and go to sleep I'll wake up dead. That would be good.

"You can't wake up dead Maureen."

I really needed to work on not saying my thoughts out loud. I was either doing that or Roger could read my mind. Who knew?

"Besides," He continued pulling away from me to look me in the eye. "If you died _I'd_ be alone."

How unfair of him. How selfish of me. Ok, so I couldn't die because of Roger. I couldn't live without Joanne. What could I do? Exist in a strange alternate non-existing existence. Strange how I was reminding myself so much of Mark, yet again.

But the thing was _he _was going to die before I was. Maybe. I mean he out lived Mark, Benny, and Joanne, didn't he? They didn't have AIDS like he did. Maybe I was going to die before he was. Maybe that was God's sick sort of a joke. Making the man who suffered the most, suffer even more. Yeah well fuck that. I wasn't going to make Roger live alone. No matter what I was going to make sure he died before I did. That was only fair. What a horrible morbid thought. But somehow sort of comforting... in a horrible morbid way.

"Come on. Let's go home." Roger said sliding his grip back down to my hand.

"...Where?" I didn't want to go back to my apartment. Not the one Joanne and I shared. Not the one that had so many damned memories.

"You can come stay at the loft." Roger said softly leading me away from the grave.

There was a since of permanence in his voice that told me that "coming to stay" meant I could live there as I had before. That seemed like a good idea. I didn't want to go back to my apartment ever again. "Let's move away."

He laughed weakly and shook his head. "You don't want to move away."

"No." I said simply. No, I guess I didn't. I just wanted out of here. The constricting in my throat was getting unbearable. I hardly could breath. Hopefully the loft had fresher air then this place. It probably did. It was a nice place to be.

We never made it to the loft. All that happened was screeching, pain, blood, then darkness. Then light. Cold light. I heard people talking in the distance. I felt like I was moving.

"Car crash."

"Massive blood loss."

"Lost control."

"Driver didn't make it."

What was going on? The driver didn't make it? Roger? Was he driving? I couldn't remember. He had said he was alright to drive. He was. Dead? Something in me felt more comfortable. Was it painful? God I hope not. I needed to see him again. I felt the darkness start to creep up on me again. Did he die quickly? I needed to know. I was being surrounded by it. I couldn't breathe anymore.

Then light.

A bright warm light.

**xXx**

_REVIEW PLEASE. _


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